He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
