what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think people are normalizing furries
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
