WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize