Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
