my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
