So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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