I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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