I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
