WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
