So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize