The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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