I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
