I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i will never coherently bang her
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
