okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
