Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
