Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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