some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
this boner is exhausting
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize