it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
