i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
