I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize