Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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