I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
