I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
