spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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