you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize