I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
