my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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