she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
