Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
