Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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