made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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