omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
