I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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