I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
