I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize