remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
