gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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