wakey wakey hands off snakey
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
