I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
