He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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