PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
