so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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