i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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