And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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