Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize