It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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