Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
