Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
