Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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