i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
