there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
