what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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