just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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