He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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