once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize