Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
