Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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