i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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