she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
