No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
