we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize