I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize