dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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