I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
