Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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