can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
