You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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