Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
