MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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