I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
