just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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