Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We are all done wearing pants today
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
