Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
