Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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