wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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