She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
