I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
