I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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